In the parasha we learn something that looks like it contradicts itself: two stories, very similar, almost identical, with opposite results. We need a little explanation here.
When Yaakov comes to meet Esav, the pasuk says he took his eleven children: וַיִּקַּח אֶת שְׁתֵּי נָשָׁיו וְאֶת שְׁתֵּי שִׁפְחֹתָיו וְאֶת אַחַד עָשָׂר יְלָדָיו וַיַּעֲבֹר אֵת מַעֲבַר יַבֹּק (Bereishit 32:23). But at that time Yaakov had twelve children; he also had Dinah. Why are only eleven mentioned? Rashi says: וְדִינָה הֵיכָן הָיְתָה? נְתָנָהּ בְּתֵבָה וְנָעַל בְּפָנֶיהָ, שֶׁלֹּא יִתֵּן בָּהּ עֵשָׂו עֵינָיו. Dinah was a young girl and she was pretty, so Yaakov Avinu decided Esav shouldn’t see her. He put her in a box and locked it.
And Rashi continues: וּלְכָךְ נֶעֱנַשׁ יַעֲקֹב שֶׁמְּנָעָהּ מֵאָחִיו… וְנָפְלָה בְּיַד שְׁכֶם. Because he locked her in a box and didn’t let Esav see her, he was punished, and she fell into the hands of Shechem. So here you see that the act of hiding your daughter from Esav, of trying to be modest, didn’t work for Yaakov.
But later, when Yaakov comes to Esav, all the children line up after their mothers, except with Rachel: וַתִּגַּשׁ גַּם לֵאָה וִילָדֶיהָ וַיִּשְׁתַּחֲווּ וְאַחַר נִגַּשׁ יוֹסֵף וְרָחֵל וַיִּשְׁתַּחֲווּ (33:7). Here it is first Yosef, then Rachel. Why does Yosef come before Rachel? Rashi says: בְּכֻלָּן הָאִמָּהוֹת נִגָּשׁוֹת לִפְנֵי הַבָּנִים, אֲבָל בְּרָחֵל יוֹסֵף נִגַּשׁ לְפָנֶיהָ, אָמַר אִמִּי יְפַת תֹּאַר, שֶׁמָּא יִתְלֶה בָהּ עֵינָיו אוֹתוֹ רָשָׁע, אֶעֱמֹד כְּנֶגְדָּהּ וַאֲעַכְּבֶנּוּ מִלְּהִסְתַּכֵּל בָּהּ. Yosef said, my mother is a beautiful woman; maybe that rasha will set his eyes on her. So he stood in front of his mother and covered her, so that Esav would not be able to look at her. And Rashi says: מִכָּאן זָכָה יוֹסֵף לְבִרְכַּת עֲלֵי עָיִן. From here Yosef merited the berachah of בֵּן פֹּרָת יוֹסֵף בֵּן פֹּרָת עֲלֵי עָיִן (49:22), because of this beautiful deed.
So we have both cases. One time you cover Dinah so that Esav shouldn’t see her, and you get punished. Another time you cover your mother, and because of that you get the berachah of ben porat Yosef. When is it good, and when is it bad?
The Right Balance
The answer is the following; listen well. It is very important always to know the right balance. If you cover somebody too much, if you make somebody do more than he can handle, the result can be very, very dramatic. It can be the worst.
Dinah was locked in a box. Imagine being locked. Even when you lock your child in a room as a punishment, it can be traumatic for a kid, and then he doesn’t want to stay in the room anymore. Here, she was locked in a box. He didn’t just put her in; he locked her, and she wasn’t able to get out. Such an act is a traumatic act.
And what does it say about the story of Shechem? וַתֵּצֵא דִינָה בַּת לֵאָה… לִרְאוֹת בִּבְנוֹת הָאָרֶץ (34:1), and Rashi says יַצְאָנִית הָיְתָה, she was one who went out. Why did she want to go out? Why couldn’t she stay? Because when you lock somebody up in such a way, afterwards they can’t stay closed in anymore. They can’t stay in a house. A person should feel comfortable at home, but when you’ve been in such a place, you just want to get out. And this is where you lose the right balance.
The right balance is to be modest the way Yosef covered his mother. In other words, don’t show yourself in front of people you shouldn’t be showing yourself to. Don’t overdress; don’t do things excessively. But you can’t take the other side either and be overly modest.
I’ll give you an example. There are people who can’t handle certain levels of modesty, and you see the imbalance. Sometimes you see women wearing a very religious tichel; they look very frum, everything is covered. And on the other hand, they’re wearing a short, tight skirt, no tights and no socks. What’s going on? It’s common; you see it. Where did that come from? The answer is that sometimes a woman accepts upon herself something that is too much for her. If it’s halachah, you have to do it, fine. But sometimes they tell her it’s a great thing, it brings berachah, it’s wonderful, to convince her, and she is not on that level. She takes it upon herself, and then she doesn’t feel beautiful; she feels it’s not her, it’s too much. So she tries to show herself in other ways. And that is when you lose your balance.
The right balance is what is normal. Look at what is normal in the religious world, in the olam haTorah, and follow that. If it’s halachah, you have to follow the halachah. But if you are doing more than the halachah, make sure it’s not something you can’t handle. Find the right balance. And always consult a rabbi, a talmid chacham, to know: am I overdoing it, doing too much? Sometimes it comes back like a boomerang; you lose the balance, and you lose in other ways, in spirituality.
Based on Rabbi Shay Tahan’s class “Vayishlach. Balanced Modesty” (Parashat Vayishlach): watch the class.
