Today we are learning about the harchakot. Harchakot are the things a person keeps when his wife is niddah. When a wife is niddah, there are a few things a husband is not allowed to do. We will summarize them, but first we need to see where they come from.
The Pasuk: “Lo Tikrav”
We learn this from the pasuk “Ve’el isha benidat tumata lo tikrav legalot ervata”. There is a machloket in this pasuk between the Rambam and the Ramban. The Rambam learns that the prohibition min haTorah covers any kind of closeness with a woman who is niddah. Touching is included, hugging is included, and so on. Why? Because the pasuk says “lo tikrav”, do not come close. That is the Rambam, and this is how we pasken.
The Ramban argues on the Rambam. He says the pasuk is not talking about every kind of closeness, but about the relationship itself, and that is what the pasuk means by “lo tikrav.”
But if you look in Avot deRabbi Natan, it says there like the Rambam: “Yachol yechabkena venashkena vidaber imah devarim beteilim? Talmud lomar lo tikrav.” Any kind of closeness is asur, which means hugging, kissing, and devarim beteilim. What does “devarim beteilim” mean? Any words that you say to each other that are warm, that bring love, that bring closeness, that could lead to doing an aveirah while she is niddah. That is forbidden.
Avot deRabbi Natan continues: “Yachol yishan imah bevigdeha al hamitah? Talmud lomar lo tikrav.” You are not allowed even to sleep in the same bed. Even though you are wearing your clothing, even though you are not touching each other, it is the same bed, and you are not allowed.
Not Because of Tumah
This prohibition of lo tikrav has nothing to do with the laws of tumah. Niddah is one of the highest tumot, but it is not the tumah that makes this asur. Actually, this is a sugya and a chakira in the Acharonim: what exactly is the prohibition of niddah? Is it only a prohibition for the husband, or is it a prohibition of tumah, and the tumah is what forbids her to the husband? However you spin it, the halacha is the same: it is asur to come close to a niddah, even closeness without the relationship.
Yichud and the New Bride
Now, the Gemara gives a few leniencies here, in places where one might have thought to be machmir. For instance, the prohibition of yichud. It is forbidden to be secluded with a woman you are not permitted to, for example an eshet ish. You may not be in a closed room with such a woman. So you might think the same applies to a niddah. The Gemara says no, she is not included in the prohibition, because she will become permitted after a while.
It is permitted to be secluded with one’s wife as long as they have been together one time. If a couple gets married and she is niddah at the time of the wedding, they have not been together even once. That is called the laws of a kallah. Since yitzro tokfo, he has a strong yetzer before he has been with his wife even once, hu yashen bein ha’anashim vehi yeshenah bein hanashim: they have to sleep in separate places, and each one has to have a shomer, until they have been together the first time. After that, we say it has become pat besalo, “bread in his basket.” He knows she will be ready for him in the near future, so the yetzer does not attack him with such strength.
Even a Fence of Roses
The Gemara in Sanhedrin, daf lamed-zayin, tells that a certain Tzeduki came to Rav Kahana and asked him: “Amritu niddah sharya leyichuda bahadei gavra?” You say a niddah may be secluded with her husband, that a husband can be alone with his wife in the house when she is niddah? “Efshar esh bin’oret ve’einah mahevevet?” Is it possible to put fire into the straw and it will not burst into flame? Right now it is a small fire, but you know that if you put them together it will turn into something much more severe.
Rav Kahana answered him: “Hatorah he’idah aleinu sugah bashoshanim.” The Torah testified about us, in the pasuk in Shir Hashirim, “fenced with roses,” to teach us that even a fence of roses, a Jew will not break through. Divrei Torah are soft like roses. A person learns in the halacha that he may not come close to his wife, and that is a fence no stronger than roses. It is very easy to crush those roses, break through, and do whatever you want. But since the Torah said so, we, Am Yisrael, listen to the Torah, and we will not break that fence.
The Gemara also says that if a woman says “kashoshanah adumah ra’iti”, I saw a small dot red like a rose, miyad poresh mimenah, he immediately separates from her.
All these laws, the harchakot, are summarized in the sefer Darkei Tahara in twelve different sections.
No Light-Headedness
The first is kalut rosh. One may not be light-headed, as we call it, or joke too much, or come too close even just with words when his wife is niddah. The Darkei Tahara writes: “Asur la’adam lakel rosh im haniddah, shema yavo likrivah uvi’ah, o shema yavo hagever lehirhur.” Once she is niddah you may not do this, because we are afraid he will come close to doing an aveirah with her, or that he will come to hirhur at a time he should not.
“Ein issur zeh ba le’esor dibur im ha’isha, ela schok vekalut rosh bilvad.” Are you forbidden to talk to her altogether? No. Although the Mishnah in Avot says “al tarbeh sicha im ha’isha, be’ishto amru”, and many mefarshim learn that “do not talk much with a woman” there means at the time she is niddah, the prohibition here is devarim hamargilim et ha’adam le’ervah, things that lead a person to ervah. Don’t talk about things you know can lead to doing an aveirah.
Smelling Her Perfume
Included in these things, he may also not smell her perfume. We are not even talking here about touching, only things that are further away, and still you are not allowed to talk this way, and you are not allowed to smell the perfume she has on her clothing. “Ve’afilu hesirah et begadeha vehinichah otam al hashulchan”: even if she took off her clothing and put it on the table, since it still has the smell of the perfume she put on, you may not smell that clothing. “Siman ladavar sugah bashoshanim”: a fence of roses, which smell good. That is a hint to this.
Fanning and Lighting From Each Other
Any kind of closeness is also forbidden. For instance, wanting to fan her with air on a hot day, or something like that. Or lighting from one another: lighting his candle, his havdalah candle, his cigarette, anything like that. It is still a kind of closeness, and it is forbidden.
Touching and Handing Things
A stricter prohibition, which we can obviously learn from what we said before, is touching each other. Touching is certainly asur. But not only touching: one may not hand something to a niddah or receive something from a niddah. If you want to hand her something, she may not receive it. If she wants to hand you something, she may not hand it and you may not receive it. “Asur la’adam ligoa be’ishto niddah, ve’afilu lehoshit davar miyado leyadah asur, shema yiga bah.” What is the prohibition? Lo tikrav, do not come close.
The prohibition of touching is not only her hands or her body but also her clothing. Just as a man may not touch the clothing of an eshet ish, a married woman who is not his wife, so too he may not touch the clothing of a niddah.
Only With Your Own Wife
Someone may ask: does this apply to other women too? No. These prohibitions are only with your wife. You are allowed to hand things to any other woman. You are not allowed to hand anything to your wife. The prohibition of handing is strictly with your wife.
There are other prohibitions that apply to every woman. You may not speak words of affection, divrei chibah, with any woman. The halacha says a person must be harchik min hanashim me’od me’od, stay very, very far from women. The Bach explains that it says “me’od me’od” here and in a couple of other places, like ribbit, because nafsho shel adam chomedet arayot. A person desires arayot, so the halacha says to stay as far away from arayot as possible. Those things are obviously asur for anybody. Touching with affection is forbidden with any woman, under “ve’el isha benidat tumata lo tikrav,” do not come close. That is not only your wife.
But some things the Chachamim restricted only with your wife: handing something, sitting together at the table and eating, where there must be a separation, as we will see soon, and sitting with your wife on the same bench or sofa, according to some opinions. We will see the machloket between Sephardim and Ashkenazim. That is a restriction only with your wife. If you are sitting on a sofa, let’s say at the doctor’s office, and a woman is sitting on the other side, that is not asur. That restriction is with your wife only.
One thing that is asur, though, is touching her clothing, just as with an eshet ish. The pasuk compares the two, “ve’et eshet re’ehu lo timeh, ve’el isha niddah lo yikrav”. The same things that are not allowed with an eshet ish are not allowed with a niddah. As the Darkei Tahara writes: “kemo she’be’eshet ish asurah negiah afilu bivgadeha she’aleha, kach gam beniddah”, just as with an eshet ish it is forbidden to touch even the clothing she is wearing, so too with a niddah.
The Talmid Who Died Young
The Gemara in Shabbat, daf yud-gimel, brings a story from Tana Devei Eliyahu. There was a student who was a tremendous talmid chacham: shanah harbeh, karah harbeh, shimesh talmidei chachamim harbeh, a tremendous amount of learning. And he died young. His wife was so upset that she took his tefillin and went around to the shuls and the batei midrash, asking: why did my husband die young? The Torah says “ki hu chayecha ve’orech yamecha”, the Torah gives you long life. My husband learned so much, read so much, served talmidei chachamim so much. Why did he die young? Nobody had an answer for her.
Eliyahu said: Once I was a guest at her home, and she told me the whole story. I asked her, “Biti, bimei niddutech mah hu etzlech?” During your days of niddah, did you come close to each other? She said, “Chas veshalom, afilu be’etzba ketanah lo naga bi”, he did not touch me even with his little finger. “The days of niddah” means the time of the flow. Then he asked her about bimei libunech, the shiva nekiyim. We are going to learn about the five days, or four days, that a woman keeps before she starts counting the seven days. During those seven days, was there any closeness? Perhaps he handed you something, and so touched your finger, which would be a violation? She said, “achal imi veyashan imi bekiruv basar, velo altah al da’ato davar acher”: he slept in the same bed with me, he in his clothing and I in mine, and we did nothing else. Eliyahu said that was a violation of the Torah: “Baruch Hamakom shehargo”, for the Torah said “ve’el isha benidat tumata lo tikrav.”
That is how the mefarshim learn it: “they did not touch” means they were wearing clothing, because otherwise there would be another issue, touching the body itself. Even without that, it is asur. From here the mefarshim learn, first, that you may not hand things one to the other, and second, that you may not sleep in the same bed, even with your clothing on, and even if they are two different beds that are connected to each other. These things are completely asur.
Throwing Instead of Handing
Some say that if you throw something into the air and it comes down by the force of gravity, it is no longer coming from you but falling by itself, and that would be permitted. That is a machloket. We find this machloket in the Hagahot haRema.
Covering Her With a Blanket
Chacham Ovadia has a teshuva about this: you wake up in the morning, the house is very cold, and you see your wife is not covered. Can you take a blanket, hold it over her, and let it go? Chacham Ovadia says that is not permitted. You might say: I am not doing anything, I am not covering her, I just put it above her and let go, and it falls by gravity. That too is asur. Why? Because it also brings closeness. It is not the same as throwing something into the air and letting it come down by itself, which some permit. Here the whole act of covering your wife shows much more closeness.
Handing Something in Public
If there are people around and you want to hand her something and cannot give it any other way, you are still not allowed, even though there are people around and you might be embarrassed if you don’t. That restriction is absolute. You may not hand things one to the other.
Sometimes, by mistake, you forget she is niddah, or she forgets, and you hand her something in front of people. The Darkei Tahara writes: “Im ta’ah veshachach haba’al vehoshit chefetz le’ishto bifnei rabim”, if the husband made a mistake, forgot, and handed an object to his wife in front of many people. She does not have to announce in front of everybody that she is niddah, “ki gadol kevod haberiyot shedocheh lo ta’aseh shebaTorah”, because the dignity of people is so great that it pushes aside a lo ta’aseh of the Torah, “ela tekablenu bemorat ruach uvizehirut merubah shelo lingoa baba’al”, rather she should receive it reluctantly and with great care not to touch her husband. This is how he paskens halacha lemaaseh, and it is a chiddush: if you hand something to your wife and there are people around, she may receive it, in order not to be embarrassed and not to embarrass you in front of people. She takes it and receives it in such a way.
Carrying Something Together
You may not carry something together, even if it is very heavy and one person cannot carry it alone. “Ein leharim yachad davar aroch o kaved, ela im ein efsharut acheret”: one should not lift together something long or heavy, unless there is no other way, and then it is permitted.
Another big kula he brings here: “kegon leharim o lehorid agalah shel tinok bamadregot she’ein adam acher sheyachol la’azor”, and anything like that. You have a lot of stairs, your baby is in the stroller, and you have to lift it. Since there is no other way to do it, he permits it. Again, that is a big chiddush. Many Poskim do not hold like this and are strict on both of the halachot we just read. He brings it as a leniency.
Touching Her Clothing When She Is Not Wearing It
“Asur lingoa babegadim she’aleha be’odah levushah.” As long as she is wearing the clothing, you may not touch it. But if she puts it on the table, you may touch it. We said before that you may not smell it, but you may touch it. Touching the clothing does not give you a feeling of closeness. Smell, however, has a very strong power to make a person feel that he wants to come close.
Blowing Away a Mosquito
There is a machloket about this. Let’s say your wife has a mosquito on her body. Can you blow it away with air, not by touching? Using a stick already connects you and her, and that is definitely not permitted. What about blowing with your mouth very strongly so that it flies away?
Helping Her in a Time of Danger
Danger, we are not talking about here. We never talk about something dangerous. But you should know, it is very interesting: in these halachot there is a machloket between the Beit Shmuel and the Shach whether it is permitted, even in a place of danger, to touch your wife when she is niddah, or another man’s wife. For instance, if a woman is in a dangerous situation, can a person assist his wife?
The Beit Shmuel brings in Even HaEzer that it is asur. What is the prohibition? The one we just learned: you may not come close. This falls under the prohibition of giluy arayot, where even touching is not permitted.
The Shach, in siman kuf-tzaddi-hei, brings at the end of the siman that the Rambam only forbade touching that brings chibah, closeness. When you are trying to save a woman who is niddah, that brings no closeness, and therefore it is permitted.
That is the machloket between the Shach and the Beit Shmuel. Lemaaseh, we pasken like the Shach that it is permitted. Otherwise it would be asur for us to help any woman who is niddah, even in a dangerous situation. According to the Beit Shmuel, I cannot help her? We do not pasken like that, you see. According to the Beit Shmuel it comes out very strict. And if you look in the Shach himself, he brings that according to the Beit Yosef it comes out that it should be asur. So it is a very sticky situation, but lemaaseh, the Poskim permit.
Based on Rabbi Shay Tahan’s class “Hilchot Niddah, Part 5: Harchakot 1” from his Shovavim crash course on Hilchot Niddah: watch the class.
