We are continuing the halachot of harchakot, the distances a husband and wife keep while she is niddah. In this class we will learn about eating at the same table, eating from the same plate, sitting and sleeping on each other’s beds, how far apart the beds need to be, whether a person may add chumrot of his own in these halachot, and sitting together on a bench or in the back of a car.
Eating at the Same Table
One of the harchakot is that a man and his wife may not eat at the same table while she is niddah. The Gemara in Shabbat, daf yud-aleph, says “lo yochal hazav im hazavah mipnei hergel aveirah”: they may not eat together, because it can lead to sin. It is just like basar bechalav.
In basar bechalav, the halacha is that if I am eating meat and you are eating dairy and we are at the same table, we may not eat that way unless there is a heker. We put something between us so that we have a reminder. Why? Because we are close to each other and we know each other. If we are strangers who don’t know each other, we can sit at the same table: I eat meat, you eat dairy, and that’s fine. But if we are close, we might come to share food. While I am eating meat, you give me some of your yogurt, some of your milk, and I will be violating the prohibition.
The Gemara there says the same idea applies to a husband and wife when she is niddah. They may not eat at the same table, because they might come to do an aveirah. Therefore the halacha permits it only with a heker, just like basar bechalav: if you put something between you, it is permitted.
What Counts as a Heker
A few things count as a heker:
- Something that is normally not on the table. Let’s say you don’t normally have a salt shaker on the table, so you put the salt shaker on the table between you. That is a heker. It works for basar bechalav, and it works for the prohibition of niddah.
- Something that is normally on the table, but you are not eating or drinking from it right now. Let’s say you usually have a bottle or a jar of water on the table and you drink from it, but this time you won’t drink from it. That is also a heker.
- A placemat under the plate, if you normally don’t have one. If you normally do use placemats under your plates, it is no heker, because that’s the way you always eat, so use something else.
- If you each have a regular place, you sit here and she sits there, changing the place you sit is also considered a reminder.
Someone may ask: does the heker have to be between them? It doesn’t say explicitly that it must be between them. It doesn’t necessarily need to be in between. It could be in a place that is visible to them, where it will serve as a reminder.
The idea of changing seats probably won’t work for a kallah and chatan who just got married and don’t have a fixed place yet. This raises a small question on the halacha of a kallah. There, after the first time together, the Shulchan Aruch brings down that he may still sleep on her bed and she may still sleep on his bed, and although normally when she becomes temeah they have to change places, how do they already have their own beds? They just got married; it’s the first time in the house. Apparently it means there that each one had already been designated his own bed. Here, by the table, it doesn’t seem to work that way, because people don’t usually designate seats: this is my seat and this is your seat.
If a couple normally eats from the same plate, then on the days of tumah the heker would be that they don’t eat from the same plate. But many people don’t eat from the same plate anyway, which takes us to the next halacha.
Not From the Same Plate
You may not eat the rice and the chicken from the same plate, but sometimes you eat things that people usually share: popcorn, cake, cookies, French fries, whatever it is. There is a main plate and each one just puts his hand in and takes. On the days of tumah, they may not eat that way.
Someone may ask: what if they use a fork? Even with a fork, they may not eat from the same plate. It is a double prohibition: they might come to touch each other, and it is the same prohibition of closeness we are talking about now. So what is the solution? Each one takes to his own plate. From the main plate, you put on your own plate whatever you need, she puts on her own plate whatever she needs, and that is permitted.
Sitting and Lying on Each Other’s Beds
Another halacha concerns sitting and sleeping on the bed. As long as she is temeah, a man may not sit or sleep on her bed. This applies even when she is not home. Why? Because it brings him to hirhurim, thoughts of the aveirah.
A woman, on the other hand, is permitted on his bed as long as he is not home, because the concern of hirhur is with him. She is not going to lead him to the aveirah; he is the one who initiates. So if he is home, she may not sleep or sit on his bed, because he might come in, see her there, and be drawn to the aveirah. But if he is not home, she is permitted.
Let’s see it inside in Darkei Tahara. The husband may not sit on the bed designated for his wife, even when she is not there, and all the more so he may not lie on her bed. This prohibition is because of the concern of hirhur aveirah, thinking about the sin, and everything that may come afterward from it. Therefore the prohibition of sitting on her bed is on the husband alone. Only the husband may not sit on her bed.
Someone may ask: is it only sitting? What about putting a foot on the bed, or things like that? He shouldn’t do that either.
The prohibition of lying down, however, applies to the woman too. Sitting is only for the husband; lying down on his bed applies to the wife as well, but only when he is home, because it can arouse him. If he is away, at work, she may sleep on his bed. Again, as we explained, the concern is about him, not about her. She is not the one leading him to the aveirah; he is the one who initiates. So when he is home, we are worried that he will see her there and it will lead him to it.
Someone may ask: isn’t this because of the tumah between the two of them? No. As we explained last time, niddah has a very strong tumah, but that tumah is not practiced in any way today, and we are all temeim with the highest tumah anyway, so that is no concern at all. The only concern here is for the husband, that this will bring them to closeness at a time when it is not allowed.
When the Beds Touch
Darkei Tahara continues: the husband may sleep on his own bed even when the beds are connected. As we said last time, they may not sleep when the beds are connected, and all the more so on the same bed; the beds need to be separated. But that is when both of them are in the beds. Let’s say she is sleeping on the sofa: it was too hot, she went to the sofa, whatever it is. She is not on her bed, so the beds touching each other is not a prohibition. However, he may not sleep on his bed when his wife is lying in the other bed until he separates the beds.
How Far Apart the Beds Must Be
This halacha of separating the beds is a very, very important halacha. The question is how far apart they need to be. Not everyone has a big enough bedroom to separate them much. So what counts as a separation?
The Mekor Chaim, brought in the Pitchei Teshuva, says that even a kol shehu, any separation between the two at all, is enough. But in halacha we don’t rely on this unless you are really stuck in such a small bedroom that you have no other choice whatsoever. Normally, the halacha, or the minhag, is to separate much more than that.
How much? In Lvov the rabbis held a big meeting and said there must be an amah between them. An amah is a foot and a half. We already spoke about the measurement when we learned tzitzit: according to Rav Chaim Naeh it is 48–50 centimeters, and according to the Chazon Ish it is something like 60 centimeters. The Shevet HaLevi does not say it that way (you have to look into it there); he says that here Rav Chaim Naeh would hold 60 centimeters. Regardless, that is the measurement, the amah.
There are other measurements as well. Some hold that the question is whether the blankets or the pillows touch the other bed. Blankets can hang out and touch each other, so the distance should be enough that the blankets don’t touch each other when they come out of the beds.
The Arizal and the Man Who Dreamed
Someone asked what the minhag is. So listen to this story, which the Kav HaYashar brings down from the Arizal. There was a man who dreamed that his feet were very dirty with tzoah, with waste. He woke up in the morning and went to ask the Arizal. The Arizal told him that such a dream is no coincidence. Every dream has a meaning, said the Arizal.
Today it is not so simple to say that dreams have meanings. If anybody is interested, we have a shiur on dreams that explains how dreams work and what they mean. It comes out very interesting. The Gemara says “ein adam cholem ela mehirhurei libo”: whatever you were thinking about during the day, or the week, comes up at night. And even if you want to say that dreams come from a higher source and are not just our imagination, we explain there from the Zohar, the Gemara and many mefarshim that dreams may even come from the shedim. They come to annoy a person, to scare him, to make sure he doesn’t rest well, and the shedim enjoy this very much. There is a very nice explanation of this from Rav Yehuda Fetaya, which we bring in that shiur.
But this Arizal brought in the Kav HaYashar says that a dream is a message to a person. Here the message was that his pillows had touched her bed, and he should make sure that it doesn’t happen again. The man ran home and moved the beds farther apart.
So here we have another opinion: the blanket should not touch. Normally one should move the beds far enough apart that his hand does not touch the other bed, about a foot and a half, if he has enough space for that.
At a time when he is permitted to lie on her bed, he may lie on her sheets even if they are stained with blood, because this prohibition and the other prohibitions of niddah are not because of tumah and taharah, as we just explained. They are distancings that come to prevent excessive closeness and relations. Nevertheless, if he is concerned that this will bring him to hirhur aveirah, he should refrain.
A Sofa, and a Bed Not Designated for Her
There are two kinds of sofas: one that opens and one that doesn’t. Let’s say it opens up and she sleeps on it. When it is closed, he may sleep on top of the sofa. There is no issue, because its shape has changed, so it is mutar.
Darkei Tahara also speaks about a bed that is not designated for the wife, such as a sofa. Sometimes a person lies down on the sofa on Shabbat after the meal. He is tired and doesn’t want to go to the bedroom; he wants to stay with the family. So he puts his head down and falls asleep for half an hour, an hour, sometimes more. But it is not his sofa; it is the family sofa and anybody sleeps there. Such a thing is not considered designated for him or for her, and it is permitted to sleep there. Even if she normally falls asleep on that sofa on Shabbat, if he falls asleep on it, it doesn’t bring hirhur aveirah, for the reason we just explained: it doesn’t belong specifically to her.
Darkei Tahara says that this prohibition is not only on the bed itself. He brings it as a chumra, but he says it applies even to just the mattress, the pillow, the blanket and the like. Whatever is designated for him or for her, they may not exchange during the time of tumah. Some add even a towel and house slippers, the same thing.
Can We Add Chumrot to Chazal’s Gezeirot?
You might ask: how can we add chumrot? Once Chazal made their gezeirot, we are not allowed to add more. This is a concept we learn from the Rosh: whatever Chazal decreed, those are the halachot, and we are not allowed today to start making our own gezeirot. We don’t have permission to do such a thing. The halacha stays as it is, and you can’t add anything to it.
But here it is different. The Ramban in Hilchot Niddah writes, “kol hamarbeh baharchakot harei zeh meshubach”: whoever adds more distancing is praiseworthy. Here it is open to adding more chumrot for yourself, because a person’s soul desires arayot. At a time when it is not permitted, a person’s desire grows much more, so the more strict you are with yourself, the better.
The Sefer HaChinuch writes that it is impossible to define every detail of what a person may or may not do to come close to a woman who is forbidden to him, since it can lead to sin. Therefore Chazal mentioned some of the things one should take upon himself as restrictions. And what about everything else Chazal didn’t mention? Is it like other prohibitions, where you can’t add on your own? No. For the rest, each person should guard himself according to what he knows about himself. A person knows that a certain thing could lead him to sin, so he has to stay away from it, and from another thing he is safe. Nevertheless, whatever Chazal prohibited, a person may not deviate from at all. So first of all, as a base: all the halachot in this siman, siman 195, all the laws of harchakot, a person may not bend whatsoever. That is psak halacha like any other halacha, and one may not be lenient. But one may add more harchakot on himself, even though they weren’t stated.
The Meiri brings down in Niddah that it is fitting for a woman to fence herself off from anything that brings hirhur and hergel aveirah. The woman too: things she thinks will lead to hirhur and hergel aveirah, she should take precautions against.
The Sidrei Tahara in siman 195 writes that there are things Chazal were strict about as a fence and a safeguard, and some complain that it is a hard thing and impossible to keep, but whoever is strict with himself is called holy. Chazal gave us the guideline, and they were lenient in a few things, but the Sidrei Tahara says that one should try to take upon himself certain fences, certain chumrot, so as not to stumble in the aveirah.
We mentioned last time the Gemara where a heretic came to Rav Kahana and asked him: a niddah is permitted to be in yichud with her husband? Is it possible for a fire to be among the straw and not burn? You have a fire starting in the haystack and you think it won’t become a real fire? Here too, a man and his wife are alone together. How can the aveirah not happen? Rav Kahana answered him: the Torah testified about us, “sugah bashoshanim”, fenced with roses. Even with just a small fence made of roses, which is so easy to break, Am Yisrael are fenced with roses, and that is enough for them not to transgress.
Rashi explains: “sugah bashoshanim”, fenced with roses, meaning with a light fence and a small separation they separate from the aveirah. Just a minor fence of roses is enough for Am Yisrael not to violate it. You don’t need to build a giant wall.
So when we come to these laws, Chazal told us what is mutar and what is asur, and if a person sees that it is fitting for him to take extra precautions and be more machmir, it is the right thing to do.
Sitting on the Same Bench
The Rema brings down a halacha that one may not sit on the same bench, or on the same sofa, if it is not steady on the ground. On Ocean Parkway you sit on those benches; that’s fine, they don’t move in any way. But a bench that is not steady and not connected to the ground, that moves, one may not sit on together. This is what the Rema brings down. But the Shulchan Aruch didn’t bring this halacha, and the Chida says it is permitted. This is how Chacham Ovadia rules.
Rav Mordechai Eliyahu writes that a husband should not sit with his wife on one swaying bench, for two reasons. He rules strictly. First, it is the way of people who love each other to come close and get together like this, in a way that can bring hirhur. Because the bench moves, two people who are very close get even closer, and it can bring to hirhur. Second, since the bench sways, they might come to touch each other, or move one another.
The Poskim disagree whether the prohibition exists when there is an object or a person separating between them. What if someone is sitting between them? That would be permitted. He brings that some are machmir, but halachically we can permit it. He writes that the practice is generally to follow those who prohibit, unless there are additional reasons to be lenient or in a she’at hadchak. A she’at hadchak would be, for example, embarrassment. So he is lenient only in a she’at hadchak.
But since we already have the Chida in the Birkei Yosef saying that the Sephardim are not machmir in this, if you want to take that kula when someone is sitting between you, for example your child is sitting between you, it would be permitted.
The Back Seat of a Car
This is not only a bench or a sofa. Darkei Tahara says it applies to the back seat of a car, where when one person sits down he moves the other. In the front there are two separate seats, but in the back it is one seat, so when one moves, the other feels the vibration. That should also be asur, he says.
Therefore, when they must sit on such a seat, if there is no concern of touching, for example there is an object between them, there is no need to be concerned about closeness. So what do you do when you take a taxi to get somewhere? The driver doesn’t let you sit in the front seat. Here it is permitted. He says the best thing is to go with the leniency of putting something between you: take your luggage or your bag and put it in between, and that is permitted.
Traveling Together
By the way, some want to say that one may not go on a trip, a tiyul, together with his wife when she is niddah, in a car or a caravan, because of the movement of the vehicle. If you need to get somewhere, that’s fine, but for a pleasure trip, the Rema brings down that it is asur.
The minhag ha’olam today is to be lenient. If they go somewhere together in a car and you feel the car moving, the minhag ha’olam is still to be lenient. This is what Rav Moshe Feinstein says and what Rav Belsky says. It is not comparable to what the halacha describes, a wagon where every movement is felt.
Chazak u’baruch.
Based on Rabbi Shay Tahan’s class “Hilchot Niddah, Part 6: Harchakot 2” from his Shovavim crash course on Hilchot Niddah: watch the class.
